LEARN THE BASICS
JUNE 2023
8 rules for more constructive conversations
The root word of communication is communion, which means to share intimate thoughts. It doesn’t always mean coming to an agreement. It means there’s a flow, a willingness to open up, to listen and be heard, to understand and be understood.
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1. Keep the gloves on.
Mutual respect is rule #1. If you don’t respect the person you’re talking to then you may want to avoid having a conversation at this time. All parties should enter the conversation with positive intent — to understand and be understood.
2. Think it through.
The most important conversation is the one you have with yourself. Take a moment to collect your thoughts and the points you want to make. Then, stay on track and in the moment. Avoid bringing up unrelated topics. Know what your anchor is and refer to it regularly.
3. Stick to the facts.
State what you know to be true. This doesn’t mean you have to be a historian, medical expert or political scientist. Your lived experiences are true for you. The same goes for the person you’re speaking with.
4. Aim for dialogue. Not monologue.
Ensure that other people have a chance to be heard. Avoid raising your voice and interrupting or talking over people, even if they’re using these tactics.
5. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Instead of solely trying to prove your point, listen with the intent of understanding what the other person is trying to say. What can you learn from this conversation? What light can they shed? Is there something you hadn’t previously thought of or considered? Listening makes people feel seen, heard and valued. This can greatly increase the odds that they’ll do the same for you.
6. Stay calm.
Emotionally charged conversations can be extremely stressful. This can make us only want to engage with people who already agree with us. If we do engage, we can sometimes be defensive, say things we later regret, or stop listening altogether and simply wait until we get a chance to speak. When we keep our emotions in check, we open up consideration for other points of view and expanded thinking. If you need to step away from the conversation to collect yourself, that’s okay, too. Remember, the loudest voices aren’t necessarily right.
7. Use appropriate language.
Tuck away the insults, stereotypes and triggering comments. (Review the previous step if necessary.)
8. Show genuine interest.
Use the tips below to help your conversation partner feel seen, valued and inspired to return the favor.
- Put away distractions. Turn off the phone. Pull out your earbuds. Make eye contact.
- Repeat words or short phrases back. This lets the person you’re talking to know you heard what they said. For example, “You said you think what happened is unfair. Okay, can you help me understand why?”
- Respect personal experiences and emotions. Refrain from making dismissive comments like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting.” Instead, say, “I hadn’t thought of it like that. I understand now” or “I was wrong. Thank you for correcting me.”
- Ask questions. Go beyond the obvious and dig a little deeper. Ask questions like, “Why do you feel this is the best option?” “What was considered when arriving at your point of view?” “Can you tell me more about how you feel?” or “Can you explain why you think that?” In response, try saying things like, “I feel _ because of _.”
After a hard conversation, take time to think about what you discussed. Journal your thoughts. Write down what you learned, what you wished you had said or what you could have said differently. Ask yourself what you learned about yourself and others.
This kind of mindful review can help you recognize your blind spots. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable approaching challenging conversations.
Remember, none of us is perfect. We may sometimes miss the mark in our attempt to gain understanding, forget to mention something or, upon later reflection, have a change of heart. It‘s okay to revisit conversations and even concede ground if need be. In the end, we may have to agree to disagree to avoid jeopardizing relationships with people in our lives.
Source: AbleTo. How to have difficult conversations.